Mindsets are our underlying beliefs about the nature and function of reality and of ourselves. These mindsets, most of which are unconscious and established during childhood, largely determine how we experience our lives.
If your mindsets are fixed and negative, like “I suck at math” or “cancer is a death sentence,” then your ability to master algebra or survive chemo goes down. But if your mindsets are more positive and growth-oriented, like “mistakes are lessons in disguise” or “failure only makes you stronger,” then your chances of successfully managing your emotions and your outcomes increase dramatically.
Our penchant for labeling underlies our most debilitating mindsets. Negative self-labels – I’m lazy; I’m stupid; I’m unlovable; I’m slow; I’m impatient; I’m undisciplined; I’m antisocial; I’m not marriage material; I’m bad with money; I can’t help it – create an urgent need for relief, ego’s favorite condition. Negative self-labeling also precipitates a mindset of self-doubt, the prime ingredient in a bloom delayed. I’m less likely to take risks or to walk with confidence if I believe I’m lazy or stupid or undisciplined or slow. If I consider myself permanently condemned to live with my labeled weaknesses, then living effectively and joyfully becomes virtually impossible.
Labeling is unavoidable if we wish to navigate life with a semblance of understanding, communication, and direction. Even our religious texts reflect our need for labeling. I dub thee a tree, thee a dog, thee a rock, and thee … well hello there.
But labels need not carry a negative assessment or prediction. From now on, if you miss a deadline, declare the deadline missed, but resist hoisting a sign marked ‘lazy’ or ‘uncommitted.’ If you relapse, call your sponsor or go to a meeting, but resist smacking your forehead with thumb and forefinger shaped like an “L.”
It also can be helpful to practice positive self-labeling. Positive self-labels – I’m intelligent / pretty / important / rich / cool – guard our consciousness from the negative self-appraisal lurking beneath awareness. Be careful, though, that your positive self-labeling doesn’t imply criticism of others (e.g., ‘I’m cooler than you’), which projects self-hatred.
Be careful, also, that your positive labels are self-imposed rather than implanted by our increasingly powerful capitalistic, commodified culture. You’re not important because of the car you drive or the store you frequent. You’re not cool because you wear a certain shoe or frequent a certain bar.
Late Bloomer Homework:
Identify Three Negative Labels. First, try to identify two or three instances this week in which you negatively label yourself. If you stub your toe and think, ‘I’m such a klutz,’ that’s a negative label. If you forget your wallet and think, ‘duh’ (translation: ‘I’m so stupid’), that’s a negative label. If you end your day having indulged in a habit you’re trying to break and think, ‘who am I kidding’ (translation: ‘I’m not strong/smart/brave enough to do this’), that’s a negative label. Jot them down.
Counter Labeling. After you’ve identified three negative labels, take some quiet time to prepare some “counter labeling” strategies. We want to start small, as we do with any habit change, so just focus on those three labels you identified. Counter labeling involves preparing a response to your negative label that eventually will transform that label from fixed and negative to positive and growth oriented. So, each time you find yourself thinking, ‘I’m such a klutz,’ a good counter label might be to think, ‘but I sure can dance,’ and do a brief two-step. Trust me, you’ll smile.
For your forgetful ‘duh’ label, I’ve found that a good counter label is to start singing a “duh” version of the “Baby Shark” song. You know, “baby shark … duh duh … duh duh … duh duh … baby shark … duh duh … duh duh … duh duh …” If that’s too annoying, you can go with something more conventional, like ‘duh means distracted, time to focus.’
The last negative label example – the ‘I’m not strong/smart/brave enough’ label – is a tougher nut to crack. That kind of negative label is deeply self-definitional and difficult to purge. So, each time you notice your thoughts heading for an ‘I’m not enough ….’ conclusion, not only do you want to contradict your negative label (e.g., ‘wait a minute, of course I’m strong/smart/brave enough’), but you might want to add some evidence, like ‘watch this,’ and then take a small action.
For instance, if you’re lucky enough to catch your ‘I’m not strong enough’ label before you finish that donut, think ‘wait a minute, of course I’m strong enough, watch this…’ and shove the rest of the donut down the garbage disposal. Finish with a pat on your own shoulder and then move on to your next activity.
I’ll be diving more deeply into the idea of mindsets and how to improve them in weeks to come. For now, just start paying attention to your inner label maker and consider experimenting with counter labels.
Blooming Reminder:
Remember to appreciate and applaud any efforts you make toward your bloom this week, whether large or small. And if you happen to finish your week with the thought, ‘oh yeah, counter labeling,’ try not to follow that thought with a negative label, like ‘that figures.’ Instead, have a counter label at the ready. I often use, ‘good thing I’m already a perfect me.’
Cheers!